I have a great hubby,
2 wonderful kids,
family and friends
and a God who loves me.

I can not complain.....

January 2002
At the snow with hubby, family and friends.
Our babies didn't exist yet.

10 years ago tonight though,
a heartbreaking situation occurred.

One that I haven't shared too often,
 have never forgotten
and feel the need to speak of tonight.
Its been my little "secret".

I lost our first baby,
I was almost 3 months along.

April 25th, 2002  Redbluff Ca
First night of Women's conference.
The only photo of my pregnancy.

In a pretty public place too,
the restroom of a Christian women's conference .
(located at the front of the meeting hall)

I won't go into every detail,
 but had been spotting throughout the day.

Concerned but trusting in the Lord.

An hour into service I got up for offering or something and felt the gush.
You know, like when your dreaded monthly pal pays a visit.
That gush.

My aunt J, who had begrudgingly come along this trip, 
not due to lack of interest in God, fellowship or girl time;
 had really needed some study time.
She was in college and had some serious tests coming up.

But, she felt the Lord nudging her to go.

I'm glad she did, she was my only family there.

I rushed into a stall and literally felt a glob drop into the bowl.
I trembled & cried with fear of what could/did really happen.
Without thought and in automatic response, flushed.

I had just, most certainly, flushed my baby, new life, new role and new identity
down the drain.

I had so much riding on this.
That night I felt so inadequate.

My women's pastor P.C. and Aunt J. rushed me out to the car
and as I so publicly came out,
heard the heartfelt cries and prayers of hundreds of ladies.
It broke me.

I felt shame for what had happened,
for interrupting service,
for being the unwanted center of attention,
for ruining what had been a great girls weekend.
 Al l I wanted to do was disappear
and pretend this was not happening.

My hubby would be angry, hurt and disappointed.
He had given me the "what if's" before I left,
How would I face him?

We don't bring it up, hubby and I.
It was too painful.
I really don't know if he ever thinks about it.

These 2 women took care of getting me to the hospital,
which is more of a blur than anything.
They did a wonderful job in such a difficult situation.

P.C. had been in the medical field for many years and it gave me a sense of peace that she was handling the medical stuff.
My aunt was family and it was what I needed.

The rest of my family made the 2 hr+ drive
to learn that I in fact had miscarried.

The look of loss in their eyes was heartbreaking.
What do you say?
What do they say?

In my daze
in my best and go to response, I sucked back tears.

The rest of the night was rough,
driving home with family,
 trying to explain through chattering teeth how it all came to be.

Hubby and I didn't talk much the next few days, weeks.

We dealt privately and individually.
I went to work days later (Micheal's arts & crafts), trying to attain normalcy 
but felt heavy hearted.
I had my good friend and co-worker to support me but I couldn't burden her.
She too was expecting,
we were/had been weeks apart.
I wouldn't steal her joy.
I cried in the bathroom stalls,
fought back tears out on the floor and wanted to scream at all the loss I felt.

Was/had this been my fault?

Yes, miscarriages are common in first pregnancies and in the early stages,
but it didn't alleviate my pain, made no sense and didn't supply any relief.

I knew the Lord well but felt so far from his comfort.
Not because he had abandoned me, I couldn't find my way back.

My only solace was crying when hubby wasn't home.
And crying outside with our dog Matilda when he was.

I felt responsible.
Hubby and I had waited about 5 years to have babies,
I wasn't ready.
And now, I had no choice.

I was lost at what my purpose was.
I had adopted so nicely the title of Mom, it gave me purpose, value, prego perks :), I couldn't think straight to what I was suppose to be now.


What was I before?

I couldn't remember.
Going to church was hard.
And worship was harder.
All I wanted to do was cry.
Everyone being as loving and supportive as they could be, only made me feel worse.
I didn't want to know what they knew, I didn't want to see sadness in their eyes,
 I didn't want to feel in public.

This went on for a good while.
It felt like I was in the middle of an emotional tornado,
wrapped around me wherever I went.
Interaction, responses and any kind of feeling I was suppose to have
 were only at surface level.
Much further was a deep pain & loss I didn't know how to come out of.

It was definitely a process,
healing for me didn't come overnight.
It took effort and commitment on my part to want to heal.

I started reading my Word and spending more time with God.
I accepted that I may never know the why but that God always has a plan, a purpose and calling for all of us.
 That things happen for a reason.

Romans 8:28 says
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God 
and are called according to his purpose for them." NLV 

I realized that I had always had value because God created me.
That I wasn't a failure as a woman and wife and that I had to let God teach me what my worth was.
I'm still learning.
A few months passed when hubby thought we should start trying again.
I had mixed feelings.
I'm not sure I was ready.
I DID want children but was fearful, what if this happened again?
Could we move on so quickly?

This is where my son M. comes in :)

To be contd......


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