Friday, April 26, 2013

I TRULY AM BLESSED pt2 - Fear to Hope

FRIDAY, APRIL 26, 2013



The story of how our family came to be.

http://sowseeksewreap.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-truly-am-blessed-pt2-fear-to-hope.html


I last left off here 
when hubby was ready to start a family.





I wasn't sure that I was fully ready.
I had already delayed so much and now after trying,
"failed".

The original deal I made with hubby was that we'd start trying to conceive by
my 25th birthday(Jan '02)

and hopefully deliver by our 5th anniversary(Aug '03).
I preferred the -conceiving by our 5th- part 
as it allowed me to delay it more lol.

COUPLE HOLDING EACH OTHER
here
I tell you, I wasn't ready.... 
OK, I was scared. 
Feeling sick, getting big, having to push out a watermelon;
the HORROR stories..........
OH YES, sign me up.

 But hubby got his wish and I was preggo by the time I was 25.
Don't get me wrong, I DID want kids, but not the delivery part.

 As you know now, it didn't last long.
So, that initial deal was broken.

After a few months passed
I was facing the fact that I'd have to move on,
maybe start trying again.
I had this nagging feeling, EVERY time hubby would bring it up.
(kind of like my taxes)
It unsettled me, I knew I had to try again but I was torn.

I felt pretty low about myself too.
I had been so nauseous and horribly CONSTIPATED
during the pregnancy.
I ate sweets to curb the nauseousness
but then was more disgusted
 and even more constipated from it all.

My GREATEST desire at that time was to just throw up!
I just wanted relief from the nauseousness but no luck.
I gained 15 lbs and didn't know how to drop them.

Hubby and I talked about getting away to reconnect,
to distract us from the loss and try to have a good time.

It was hard.
Monterrey, Ca June 21, 2002
Getting away to distract ourselves from everything.

The physical changes, along with the emotional ones
left me feeling less sure about myself.

The initial fear of being pregnant & delivering  
was replaced with a different kind of fear.
Could I handle another loss IF it happened again?

Family and friends were conceiving.
 Unintended salt was added to the wound.
Joy and sorrow were hand in hand,
as we did our best to celebrate their happy news.


July 20, 2002
Los Angeles, Ca for my sis-n-laws wedding!

We agreed to try again,
all along feeling like a trader to my lost baby.

I was praying for something to change in my heart.
I still felt very responsible,
believed I was being held responsible,
but knew God didn't want me taking that on.
I needed his peace and clarity.

I spent lots of time reading my bible, 
seeking God's comfort and direction through his word.
 Continuing to highlight scripture, references or definitions that stood out,
in hopes of shaking myself out this.

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
 Don't be discouraged for I am your God.
 I will strengthen you and help you.
 I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10 NLV

Finding out I was preggo a few months after that (around Dec '02), was bittersweet.
I was so happy, relieved that my body DID work properly, 
amazed that I had a little being growing inside,
but guarded, afraid to celebrate it, 
afraid to share it.

So hubby and I kept it private.
I wanted to share AFTER the same period of time passed,
to avoid any more public losses.

I found out later on that God had already revealed it to a good friend of mine, C.J.
before I even knew!

*She also just recently shared that she had sensed complications with my health,
a particular night.
It was the very night of my miscarriage, even though she had not attended the conference
or been in communication with anyone that weekend.
 God had woken her from sleep on my behalf to pray.*

Well, C.J. was at the end of her pregnancy at the time
and had been praying that we would be preggo at the same time.

She got her wish :)

The specific time passed
and we shared.

Everyone was ecstatic, we all rejoiced together
and thanked God for his blessing.
  
I still felt a little uneasy but
continued to pray that the Lord would give me peace.

PRAYING FOR PEACE
here
I had already received words from my pastor and others
NOT to worry, that God had me & the baby covered.
This pregnancy would be different.

I left it in God's hands
and  prayed that he would be with me through this pregnancy.
Saying, "Lord, if you bless us in this, I'll do it right.
We'll give him/her a biblical name to honor you for your blessing,
to speak purpose into his/her life,
to set the stage for what's to come,
he/she is yours."
That's what God did in the bible,
based on their situation, circumstance, obedience/disobedience, blessing, sorrow.......

"Now I say to you that you are Peter(which means 'rock'), 
and upon this rock I will build my church..." Matt. 16:18 NLV

Why were we to expect any less?
I knew God would answer this prayer.
My heart was overwhelmed with joy that God would bless us,
 I wanted to communicate that through my actions.


I HAD 3 REQUESTS:

1. It be biblical /God chosen
2. Unique
3. Something we could pronounce in Spanish/have similar translation
 ie. Jacob= Jacobo  similar 
                  James = Santiago NOT similar

I asked God to reveal the name to me 
and to convict me if I ONLY read my bible in search of names.
I caught myself a few times lol

Hubby was excited about it,
but said he was at liberty to chose the middle name.
I agreed, as long as I had the right to input.



To be cont'd...


in case you missed it,  part1 




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