Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I TRULY AM BLESSED pt 4.- Healing to Steadfast

TUESDAY, MAY 14, 2013

Our family story


http://sowseeksewreap.blogspot.com/2013/05/i-truly-am-blessed-pt-4-healing-to.html


part 1   part 2    part 3  part 5 





So now I felt discouragement creeping in.

The name I had fully set my heart on
was seemingly being rejected.
The story I had connected with, was somewhat my story;
rejecting it, the name, was rejecting me.

I knew it was from the Lord,
it met all 3 of my requests.
Everything in me was saying it WAS the name.

 I thought about everything I had heard, 
wrestled with it for days,
questioning whether I had really found the name.

I remember being at work consumed by these thoughts,
ready to concede to their suggestions,
because it just seemed easier.
Then something very strongly,
  surely,
and without a doubt,
rose up in me and said,
"NO!"


here
It wasn't audible but clear as ever.

----------

"What am I thinking?!"
I know, 
that I know, 
THAT     
  I     
  KNOW
God gave me this name.


I wasn't changing the name, I knew I'd live with regret if I did.
Some of you may not understand because ultimately its just a name.
BUT to me, to us, it was so much more. 

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
1Corinthians 15:58 NKJV


I had experienced the physical loss 
and I desperately needed to know God was with me in this.
There had to be a blessing in this just for me.
A name.
A name from the Lord for my son.
And he revealed it to me, right in the scriptures.
I wasn't giving up what I knew to be right.

So I spoke with complete confidence & conviction to hubby about the name,
what it meant to have it for our son.
Then I spoke to my sis.
And everyone else, well, they just got ignored lol
And it was settled.

Once I did that, it all came together.

By now it was April 2003 and I had the opportunity to go back 
to the very same women's conference I had attended the year before.

PREGNANCY, BABY NAME, FAITH, LIFE, CHILD LOSS

It somehow seemed 1)so long ago 2)that the incident had happened to someone else.

This time I was further along, so I didn't fear it happening again.
I did feel a tiny bit apprehensive, as it was a reminder
of what had happened the year before.
But I just chose to shake it off.
I'd be worshiping with my sister's in the Lord,
it would be a great girls & God weekend,
 new memories and funny moments created,
I'd take full advantage of the prego perks they were offering:
"we eat where the prego wants" lol
 pig out,
and wipe away the old.

It turns out the conference leaders knew I was coming 
and asked my women's pastor P.C. if I'd be willing to share.

SHARE?!
found online
What?! 
I'm just going for fun.
I don't want ANYONE to remember me, the incident.
I just want to blend in.
I'm too embarrassed.
I don't like speaking in front of people.
It's too personal.
I don't want to cry.
I let it go.
I've moved on...


My sis was coming this time around
and it would be her first women's conference.
This instantly moved her into position of support system hahaha.
I can't remember if I asked or if she offered to come up with me.
 Either way, I'd be sharing.

Truthfully, I owed them.
Not in duty of repayment
or debt to be handled,
but in gratefulness to their heartfelt prayers that night,
 maybe even after.
They didn't know me but they cried out to the Lord that night
 as if I were their sister, mother or close friend.




They'd want to hear what God had done in me since that day.
To share in my joy.

The thing is, I could have easily decided from the start,
 that my pain was too immobilizing to face,
too great for God to handle,
doomed to sadness for the rest of my life
because I wasn't willing to release it.
I'd be somewhere & someone entirely different than I am today,
had I not given it to the Lord.
And the most important message, 
the message of hope, comfort, healing, restoration, 
peace and  joy would have been missed.



here
It turns out, this was never about me.

It was about giving credit where credit was due.
My belly was proof that God had restored what I had lost
and healed my broken heart.



I was getting the chance to speak into people's lives,
that I may have never of had the opportunity to.


I chose,
like you can choose,
to trust the Lord fully.


If you'll let him, he'll take your undesirables, shame, pain and loss
and turn them into beauty.

"To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
 That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3 NKJV

He's a gentleman, he'll never shove himself on you.

Well we traveled, laughed, ate junk food,
 settled into our hotel and attended the 1st night of the conference.
I'd be sharing this night.
My belly would be on "display" in evidence that he had blessed us,
like a mini trophy or medallion, I'd be wearing it with pride.
Those who were new that year would know the story
 and God once again would receive praise for his blessings.

It was exciting to see so many women,
they were happy, laughing, chatting and catching up before service.
A lot of them hadn't seen each since the previous year.
I was excited about the evening service too
but a little nervous about being called up.

The evening started with the typical greetings,
formalities,
other info
and then
somewhere before the actual service,
its kind of a blur really;
I was called up.
EEEEK!

My sis joined me, I took the mic, introduced us
and started to share a bit.
That led to me crying,
sis crying
and
the women crying.
She helped me finish my thoughts 
and express my deepest gratitude for their prayers.





The service continued, at the end of the night ate, again,
chatted about the nights events and looked forward to the next day.


Day 2 of conference:
We were hanging out either before the service or during the "potty" break
and sis suggests getting up and looking around.
Different women's groups/church's had crafts, paintings, snacks, books, etc 
for purchase.
I was like, "nah, I'm good".
And she says, 'HELLO..... we're at a CHRISTIAN WOMEN'S CONFERENCE, 
they have to have a baby book of bible names!'

hahaha, ya AmanDUH(this is HOW I always got teased)

That was like another COLD SPLASH in the face. Heehee
I have some hope,
but still thinking it will be JUST like every other place.

So there we go, looking around.
I see books.
I see a bible names book.
hmm,
I flip to the 'M's,
And whad'ya know?


to be cont'd



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